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Discovering that a partner has been unfaithful hits you like an earthquake. Long after the first jolt, emotional aftershocks can make it difficult to be there for your family, manage your daily life, and think clearly about your options. Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists. If you stay with your spouse, you’ll find realistic tips for rebuilding your marriage and restoring trust. But no matter which path you choose, you’ll discover effective ways to recover personally, avoid lasting scars, and pursue healthier relationships in the future.
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) Self-Help Book of Merit
- Sales Rank: #52248 in Books
- Published on: 2007-01-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x 5.75" w x 1.00" l, .94 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 342 pages
Review
"A worthy and important contribution to understanding and helping couples face one of the worst problems in a marriage."--John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"It has been 4 years since the affair. The hurt lingered for what felt like forever, but our marriage was too precious to just give up on it. Working through understanding how it happened, and how to finally move past it and recover, was the most important thing. We couldn't have made it without the program in this book."--Ann and Patrick O.
"The devastation in our relationship after the revelation of the affair was unbearable. In different ways, we both felt like our hearts were in shreds. Working through the recovery process in this book was a vital part of restoring our marriage. The affair is a part of our history that we’ll never forget, but we learned how to live with it without letting it consume us. Each of us learned important things about ourselves, what made our relationship vulnerable, and how to communicate better. Words cannot express our gratitude!"--Melanie and Larry R.
"After the revelation of the affair, we were both overwhelmed with extreme emotions. The step-by-step approach outlined in this book gave us a structured and caring means to get through the first couple of months and work to understand how we got to this low point in our marriage. We made it through a very tough time and have a stronger relationship now, due to our greater understanding of both ourselves and each other. Without question, the strategies in this book saved our marriage!"--John and Sarah H.
"If your relationship is affected by an affair, this is a practical and compassionate guide about how to cope and move on. The book is full of wisdom and understanding, built from decades of experience helping those hurt by affairs. The authors are three eminent therapists who share the stories of people who have had their relationships shaken by an affair. The book describes a series of steps to get back in control of your life. The steps to recovery progress from coping with the initial shock of discovery, through making sense of what happened, to deciding what happens next. The authors suggest practical exercises to do at each step of the recovery process."--W. Kim Halford, PhD, Griffith University, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
"A book of exceptional wisdom, compassion, and practical advice from a dynamite team of therapists and researchers. I wish every couple who has experienced the trauma of an affair would read this remarkable book."--William J. Doherty, PhD, author of Take Back Your Marriage
"A calm, clear, and optimistic program for couples going through a crisis of infidelity. This is a wise guide and one I will enthusiastically recommend."--Frank Pittman, MD, author of Private Lies
"This book is wise, practical, and thorough. It guides you through the initial trauma of dealing with an affair, then goes beyond most resources in taking you step by step through the process of understanding what happened and deciding what to do next. This book is like a daily 'house call' from your own personal relationship expert. It is a 'must read' for anyone trying to recover from the trauma of an affair and make good decisions about the future."--Peggy Vaughan, DearPeggy.com, author of The Monogamy Myth
"Far too many self-help guides patronize the reader, bypassing complexity to offer unrealistic freeways of certainty. This excellent book is a notable exception. Written with clarity, the book treats readers as mature adults. With a wealth of clinical experience, these authors clearly know what they are talking about--they understand the complexity of feelings that need to be addressed to get past an affair, and convey that understanding in accessible language. I am sure this book will be of value to both clients and professionals for many years to come."--Barry Mason, DSysPsych, Institute of Family Therapy, London, UK
"Informative in helping to further understand some of the issues faced by people who might have been affected by an affair. As a stand-alone program for anyone attempting to make sense of what might be happening to them after an affair has been disclosed, this book would be helpful to both the 'participating partner' and 'injured partner.' It would also be a useful adjunct to working therapeutically with couples and could supplement a therapeutic program. I would recommend this book to anyone working with couple relationships and indeed to any couple I may encounter who are going though or have experienced an affair." (Sexual and Relationship Therapy 2007-01-08)
"A comprehensive self-help text for couples or individuals experiencing an affair. Both the injured partner and the participating partner are specifically addressed with thought-provoking inquiries into their experiences....An underlying theme of hope is written into the entire book." (Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy 2007-01-08)
"A treasure-trove of clinical wisdom firmly informed by a bedrock of clinical research. The three authors are leading couple researchers that exemplify the scientist-practitioner model of clinical psychology....This is a thorough, thoughtfully laid out book....The book is clearly written as a standalone, self-help book but could easily be used as an adjunct to therapy....A deeply compassionate book, as the authors have clearly worked hard to distill their collective clinical and research wisdom to help couples working through the aftermath of an affair. We will be using it in our own teaching and work with couples and highly recommend it to therapists and couples alike." (The Family Psychologist 2007-01-08)
"[The authors] have designed a program to help couples overcome an affair, understand why it happened, and consider their best options. A particularly helpful chapter supplies suggestions for talking to children, family members, and friends....Full of examples for applying the information; recommended." (Library Journal 2007-01-08)
About the Author
Douglas K. Snyder, PhD, is Professor of Psychology and Director of Clinical Training at Texas A&M University. He received the American Psychological Association’s award for Distinguished Contributions to Family Psychology for his research on marital satisfaction and therapy. He lives in College Station, Texas, where he also has a private practice.
Donald H. Baucom, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. His research, funded in part by the National Institutes of Health, focuses on couples and marriage. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and was ranked as one of the top marital therapists and researchers in the United States by Good Housekeeping’s national survey of mental health professionals.
Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD, is Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Tennessee. Her research focuses on forgiveness, infidelity, and couple therapy. In addition to her academic work, she lives and maintains a private practice in Knoxville, Tennessee.
Most helpful customer reviews
43 of 46 people found the following review helpful.
One of the BETTER Books Addressing This Issue !
By Nancy
Unfortunately I had reason to purchase this book. I had first read After the Affair by Janice Spring. I found this book , Getting Past , was much more practical and down to earth. It had many very helpful concrete suggestions for the different stages and it addresses more than just the hurt and pain that the "betrayed" person feels.
There have been some reviews complaining that this book goes too easy on the person who had the affair and that is let's him/her "off too easy". I really do not feel this book does that at all. What it does is asks both partners to look at their parts in what went wrong with the relationship that contributed towards the affair.
BELIEVE ME, I see no justification for one person to step outside of a committed relationship and seek emotional or sexual connections with an outside person AND, I also believe that regardless of my contributions that led to unhappiness and misunderstandings in our relationship that I did NOT cause the affair to happen and it is NOT my fault it did. It was my partner who chose to seek an outside person due to his unhappiness rather than share that unhappiness with me.
But the value of this book is very important in that it is helping me see more clearly past my pain and to is helping me see more clearly what I do want to happen down the road with us .
AND the more important part is that although my partner is a wonderful person in that he is WILLING to read any book I push at him, and he did read most of After the Affair and a few others, this book has been so much more helpful to him and some of that is due to the way the authors speak in a less BLAMING tone towards the person who had the affair.
Believe me, they do not let ANYONE off the hook but this book does use language that is less one sided and blaming and does try to get BOTH sides to look more closely at what the long term goal is and how not only to get there but the things to do that would prevent a couple from getting there and creating a new relationship.
I am sure I am not as clear as I would like to be in my review but these past 3 months have not been a period of time of mental clarity for me. :-/ I do hope that if one is trying to recover from the pain of an affair or a series of affairs, that one tries out this book.
My only regret is I did not purchase this one first !! I think it would have helped me see a few things more clearly and my partner would have felt more invested in reading .
Good luck !!!
70 of 72 people found the following review helpful.
Best Book to date
By Michael T. Clifford
I am a marriage and family therapist who only works with couples. Many of these couples come with either a current or past affair as a problem. Until this book came out, I recommended Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. While that is an excellent book, this book is even better. The chapters are crystal clear and specific. Each person is assigned a task in the healing. General principles are stated as frameworks so that each person has a mindset to go by. I will be recommending this book to all couples who come with this problem.
Michael T. Clifford LMFT Everett WA Certified Gottman therapist, Certified Emotion Focused Therapist
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
It was easy to read and understand
By Deb
This book covers a lot of issues that help both partners heal and get through the aftermath of an affair. It was easy to read and understand. Although my husband and I are still seperated, it is helping me understand more about why people have affairs and how to heal and move on from one. I would recommend this book to anyone who is the victim of an affair or who has had an affair. I believe it will be a great help.
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